after 10 years

Im moving on to a new job after 10 years...i'll be sad to leave what has become my family, people i've lived the last 10 years with. at the same time im excited for this new challange, excited, scared, ready, scared, not sure what im doing ....and scared..but i think this will be a good move....better pay that's for sure.....

It's been awhile

It's been a very very long while since i've even looked at this blog, lots of things have happened...people have gone..people have moved on and out..and far away. But I feel the same, even with these loses and gains I feel like me just more time in between. and its sad to see that still nobody has followed my pathetic little blog...not that I blame anyone..if they want self pity and self doubt most people and look inward for that, this is by no means some political blog, some go green hug a tree live and let live blog, its a pity party, a poetic mishap, a I don't really know what you would call this self indulgent type thing.
I do have some good things going..a relationship...going back to school!!! Trying to understand why didn't I listen to them when they said stay with it...(school)..finish it up..you'll regret it if you leave for a break....and now i see their point..If I would have stayed in..i'd be done by now..getting paid more for doing the same...getting paid for my ideas, instead of just pats on the head..but it will happen again and again..some kid wont listen and end up in my same predicament....stuck in a sinking ship, looking for a life jacket..but I hope its not drowning time for me yet..I think now that im applying myself..seeing out new things..and opportunities...I think i'll end up just fine..at least thats the goal.

caged

Every time i start to feel my overwhelming self pity i feel i should blog about it...its no wonder i don't blog more often ..I'm just sitting here thinking life is a strange little bug isn't it? Sometimes things go your way..most of the time they don't....
its amazing how put together most people look..like they've got it all figured out..cuz they seem happy in a house, in a new car, and a loved one..and pretty shiny things to look at and tell other people about..they really do seem so happy like nothing is every going to break them..like tomorrow that house will be gone the car will be gone..the loved one...and all you have is a box of shiny things that don't mean a thing to anyone anymore.
maybe I'm just being bitter...because..i have no ambition to own a box of shiny things. Or maybe i just think to much..all the what ifs, or what will they say...i should stop caring about the little things and focus on the big picture..i just wish someone out there would remind me, exactly what is the "big picture"????

FORGOTTEN

right now i feel so forgotten....maybe not so much forgotten as moved on from, if that makes any sense at all..Tonight i just feel really heavy hearted, and unwanted and unloved..and damned fat!! lol...I know I know i need to work on me before i can share myself with someone else...but damn i don't think I'll ever be happy in this skin...or it will be a long time before i am....

Some people are just really lucky I think..or they are very good at concealing it...either way they are getting what they want...but I'm just rambling on now..feeling sorry for myself once again. The thing is i know what i need to do..i know it..but it's just the doing it..the being scared of the unknown that freaks me out the most..so what should i choose?? the risk or just stay here being a bottom feeder all my life...help!

been awhile

I'm somewhat ashamed of myself for not keeping good on my promise to keep writing on this blog.....but nobody is really reading it are they??? helllooo anybody out there??? Essentially I'm talking to myself..in my mind on the keyboard..this is quite odd..

so enough of that..Not much to speak of lately...I've been broken hearted and i may have even broken a heart...who'd of thought I'd be capable of such a thing.?.it doesn't feel good..but I know that and i still did it ...I guess its just the thought that somebody besides a blood relative is thinking about you...and you just get caught up in it all...then you realize hmmm i don't really get this other person..and just the sight of that person goes from heavy excited heartbeats to shit theres that freak again..please don't notice me...please don't say hi...ahhh shit..here he comes..

I know that's horrible but its accurate...and people would be lying to say they've never felt that dread of an unwanted admirer.....but now i realize I've become "that guy" who didn't give me a chance...that guy who thought he could do better...the guy i hate..and now I'm just that....ehhhh but i guess that guy moved on and so shall i....

THE GAME

I'm heart broken, or just a little broken hearted...I'm not sure which...I thought for once..I'd found that one person..that i get and that gets me...because in the past I've been shit on..by so many guys..dragged around taken for granted..all those things that nobody wants to be..that's me...that's how i feel .
I've been nothing but extremely patient and eager to go along with whatever..but being the nice girl, does not guarantee the guy....I'm starting to believe friends when they say..."treat a guy like shit and he wont be able to resist you" maybe that's where I've gone wrong......so bring on the shit!!!!!!!!
I keep trying to play back moments where i may have said or done something wrong, I haven't even been given the chance to do something wrong.....and this isn't an act that I'm playing for him trying to be nice..being caring..this is just it..its me...so me ..the real me has been rejected..
I'm so tired of The Game, the getting to know you's ...the whats your favorite color...so fucking tired ...i just want to put it all out on a fucking business card..and say this is who the fuck i am..don't call me..don't get my hopes up if your just gonna fuck me over in the end!!

Blah.....

Ok ....so i have been keeping good on my promise to write a daily journal...it's just that I don't think it'd be very interesting or even a good read..that is if anybody else is actually reading these things.....because in fact my day to day routine is just that...a routine....nothing exciting..nothing to brag about...lol I'm actually a very low key person.....
One new thing would be my hair cut..which i just got cut on Saturday.....its at my shoulders now..or above my shoulders..it's still going to be some getting used to...i feel like Amelie..lol...although it wouldn't be such a problem if i looked like her..and no my hair isn't that extreme...but in my mind..which tends to distort my body image...in my mind i look like...a damn toad stool....
So in the morning my hair looks quite good...because its fresh and I've just done it..and everything is in its place...but.....about mid day i become somewhat disheveled.....I've never been one of those people who manage to look good throughout the entire day..somewhere between breakfast and lunch, somebody beats my ass with an ugly stick...so by the time i get home...my hair is looking like a mangy mutt...my clothes are sloppy...my make up somehow disappears...pretty much i look like a domestic violence victim...how do some people manage to stay looking good the entire day??? I'll never understand that.