Blah.....

Ok ....so i have been keeping good on my promise to write a daily journal...it's just that I don't think it'd be very interesting or even a good read..that is if anybody else is actually reading these things.....because in fact my day to day routine is just that...a routine....nothing exciting..nothing to brag about...lol I'm actually a very low key person.....
One new thing would be my hair cut..which i just got cut on Saturday.....its at my shoulders now..or above my shoulders..it's still going to be some getting used to...i feel like Amelie..lol...although it wouldn't be such a problem if i looked like her..and no my hair isn't that extreme...but in my mind..which tends to distort my body image...in my mind i look like...a damn toad stool....
So in the morning my hair looks quite good...because its fresh and I've just done it..and everything is in its place...but.....about mid day i become somewhat disheveled.....I've never been one of those people who manage to look good throughout the entire day..somewhere between breakfast and lunch, somebody beats my ass with an ugly stick...so by the time i get home...my hair is looking like a mangy mutt...my clothes are sloppy...my make up somehow disappears...pretty much i look like a domestic violence victim...how do some people manage to stay looking good the entire day??? I'll never understand that.

journal extrordinare

Intro...today was my first counseling experience..she ( the counselor) asked if i would keep a journal everyday...so here is my first entry...

10/17/07
Today was my first visit with the counselor. I was a little nervous and unsure of what to expect. I guess it was more of an introductory, I gave a little background info about myself. Why i was there..family history. No i wasnt abused, no i dont drink often, no to suicidal/homicidal thoughts. Mostly no's to a lot of things.
I felt somewhat comfortable, yet a little awkward, I kinda wish the room were dimmer, i felt like my awkwardness was showing because I kept playing with my ear, and scratching invisable itches..just to keep myself doing someting, anything rather than sit in such a bright room telling things about myself to a stranger.

I feel like a fraud, because I dont have some extraordinary tragedy to talk about.. Yes I have a good relationship with my family, yes both parents are still alive, nobody is terminally ill. I cant help but think that she must be saying to herself. "why is this kid here?".
I'm trying to be open minded, I did open up to her about my trouble (opening up). She suggested this journal, she asked that I wright in it everyday, and sign and date it at the end of each entry. She said to be completely myself in it, not to feel like i have to edit myself for her. I dont even have to share it with her if i dont want to.

Im having trouble being uncensored, Im writing in semi neat cursive just in case..If this were my actual journal it would barely be legibal to anyone but me. I even had trouble finding just the right journal..I found this old one with stupid stickers of Ricki Martin, and Kid Rock..So i spent awhile searching for more stupid stickers to cover up the already stupid stickers! I know i sound cynical about this whole thing but really it did feel good to actually have somebody listen and try and come up with way's to help me out..I guess thats all for my first entry..I can't wait to come back years from now and read how stupid im being.

A.T.

FEAR

I've been dealing with fear a lot lately. Its a normal reaction for most people, you almost crash into a car..your heart beats faster..you hands sweat...you senses seem to go into over drive...then that fear leaves, you get through the fear and your able to rationalize, your able to thank God that you made it alive and you didn't get hurt , and you didn't hurt anyone.

For some people though.. people like myself..that fear comes and goes as it pleases, there doesn't need to be a life threatening event to trigger it.

You can be sitting in a restaurant, and suddenly you cant breathe, it feels like someones hands are tightening around your throat so much that you cant swallow, your hands start to shake...and you look at the people around you..so happy...so care free..they have no clue that your body is ready for attack..that you feel that you need to get out of there, or something might happen, you might pass out..or make a scene...they don't have a clue that your whole world seems to be falling apart for no apparent reason.

And really that's the hardest part...to have nothing to blame this panic on..no i didn't go to war and i didn't witness some horrible crime, i didn't get mugged, i just sat there..at the table, its almost pathetic to think of it that way...I almost wish i could say..Yes i was a victim of some horrible crime..at least people wouldn't look at me with eyes of pity, and i know what they think...before this happened to me i thought the same thing! "Your being weak", "get a hold of yourself" ,

But they don't know..nobody does unless you suffer the same way..you don't know how it feels to see your former life..to be able to say..I used to be able to go to the movies or to dinner without having to do a damn breathing exercise to calm myself down! because just to do any "normal" task I have to first visualize the entire situation and how it will go..and this makes it extremely difficult and almost impossible to be spontaneous...can you imagine...someone asking me to just get away for the weekend to go to the lake ...what would i say, "ummm no i cant i haven't visualized it so i wont be able to go."

But you can't hide from this either...everyday..its a battle to put one foot in front of the other...stepping into every situation as if its new to you..remembering to breathe deep, remembering that God is with you at all times, its good though..its good to remember to slow down, to breathe..its just sad that Fear influences all this..its sad that most people don't understand..its very common to have Panic attacks..as common as Migraines..but why should i be made to feel ashamed to have this, when people don't hide the fact that they get migraines? there is a certain stigma attached to all of this, no I'm not mentally ill..no I'm not fragile,no I'm not weak, in fact maybe I'm stronger for this..maybe I'm stronger because I've felt the fear on a daily basis but faced it and forced myself to struggle on.

What is Art?

Art to me is life, its meant to be both beautiful and ugly, sad and happy, and sometimes a little bit lonely. Without art, life would be colorless and very very empty. And sometimes if you look hard enough you can see the soul of the artist in the very art they create. But art isn't only meant to be on a canvas, or a photograph..its in nature..its in a blade of grass, its in the sky during a sunset, when the sun is just right..and the sky sets itself on fire..Art is life, and life is art.