FEAR

I've been dealing with fear a lot lately. Its a normal reaction for most people, you almost crash into a car..your heart beats faster..you hands sweat...you senses seem to go into over drive...then that fear leaves, you get through the fear and your able to rationalize, your able to thank God that you made it alive and you didn't get hurt , and you didn't hurt anyone.

For some people though.. people like myself..that fear comes and goes as it pleases, there doesn't need to be a life threatening event to trigger it.

You can be sitting in a restaurant, and suddenly you cant breathe, it feels like someones hands are tightening around your throat so much that you cant swallow, your hands start to shake...and you look at the people around you..so happy...so care free..they have no clue that your body is ready for attack..that you feel that you need to get out of there, or something might happen, you might pass out..or make a scene...they don't have a clue that your whole world seems to be falling apart for no apparent reason.

And really that's the hardest part...to have nothing to blame this panic on..no i didn't go to war and i didn't witness some horrible crime, i didn't get mugged, i just sat there..at the table, its almost pathetic to think of it that way...I almost wish i could say..Yes i was a victim of some horrible crime..at least people wouldn't look at me with eyes of pity, and i know what they think...before this happened to me i thought the same thing! "Your being weak", "get a hold of yourself" ,

But they don't know..nobody does unless you suffer the same way..you don't know how it feels to see your former life..to be able to say..I used to be able to go to the movies or to dinner without having to do a damn breathing exercise to calm myself down! because just to do any "normal" task I have to first visualize the entire situation and how it will go..and this makes it extremely difficult and almost impossible to be spontaneous...can you imagine...someone asking me to just get away for the weekend to go to the lake ...what would i say, "ummm no i cant i haven't visualized it so i wont be able to go."

But you can't hide from this either...everyday..its a battle to put one foot in front of the other...stepping into every situation as if its new to you..remembering to breathe deep, remembering that God is with you at all times, its good though..its good to remember to slow down, to breathe..its just sad that Fear influences all this..its sad that most people don't understand..its very common to have Panic attacks..as common as Migraines..but why should i be made to feel ashamed to have this, when people don't hide the fact that they get migraines? there is a certain stigma attached to all of this, no I'm not mentally ill..no I'm not fragile,no I'm not weak, in fact maybe I'm stronger for this..maybe I'm stronger because I've felt the fear on a daily basis but faced it and forced myself to struggle on.