Intro...today was my first counseling experience..she ( the counselor) asked if i would keep a journal everyday...so here is my first entry...
10/17/07
Today was my first visit with the counselor. I was a little nervous and unsure of what to expect. I guess it was more of an introductory, I gave a little background info about myself. Why i was there..family history. No i wasnt abused, no i dont drink often, no to suicidal/homicidal thoughts. Mostly no's to a lot of things.
I felt somewhat comfortable, yet a little awkward, I kinda wish the room were dimmer, i felt like my awkwardness was showing because I kept playing with my ear, and scratching invisable itches..just to keep myself doing someting, anything rather than sit in such a bright room telling things about myself to a stranger.
I feel like a fraud, because I dont have some extraordinary tragedy to talk about.. Yes I have a good relationship with my family, yes both parents are still alive, nobody is terminally ill. I cant help but think that she must be saying to herself. "why is this kid here?".
I'm trying to be open minded, I did open up to her about my trouble (opening up). She suggested this journal, she asked that I wright in it everyday, and sign and date it at the end of each entry. She said to be completely myself in it, not to feel like i have to edit myself for her. I dont even have to share it with her if i dont want to.
Im having trouble being uncensored, Im writing in semi neat cursive just in case..If this were my actual journal it would barely be legibal to anyone but me. I even had trouble finding just the right journal..I found this old one with stupid stickers of Ricki Martin, and Kid Rock..So i spent awhile searching for more stupid stickers to cover up the already stupid stickers! I know i sound cynical about this whole thing but really it did feel good to actually have somebody listen and try and come up with way's to help me out..I guess thats all for my first entry..I can't wait to come back years from now and read how stupid im being.
A.T.
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2 comments:
So your counselor had some high beams on in there? How....soothing? :-) My counselor had a doll house in her office - the doll house had no dolls...the furniture was misplacen (is that even a word? lol) looked like someone just robbed the placed actually. Nice thing was that her couch was the same couch I have at home...wasn't that a coinky dink? Same pillows, too! Same cookie crumbs, toooo!!!
Ok, enough jokes, I hope the daily journal is working out for you. You know, I have the hardest time also - being "honest" with myself 'cause sometimes I can untangle what I'm feeling into something tangible and things seem all right temporarily...then the truth sits in and I remember that I hadn't resolved anything.
I know it's hard to be so open especially when you feel like you have so much to hide. You will find what you think is lost and I am sure whatever it is will be a missing link for someone else. I really believe that we are all lives are intertwined. God has a bigger purpose than we could even envision...
Sister Hazel has a great song called "Change Your Mind." I like to listen to this song when I wish to be anyone else but me. I'm slowly realizing that I am glad to be me... and I do have a purpose. My purpose might not be so grand but it is from the heart.
You are a treasure to me... and my life is better because of you. :-D Thanks for being YOU!
Do you love my incoherent 3rd paragraph? What a goon...
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